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Be Present, Want Nothing

by Cadigan

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1.
Alarm 01:25
Mark Twain! Full steam ahead! A low knell that's burning in my head. Fuck, I just woke up again. Heavens to Murgatroyd! That's your move when you're finally given a choice? How's that working out for you? I'm just scared of what's left to come, and the truth that this could happen to anyone. Punch drunk and uninspired. My eyes are open but I'm just too fucking tired. Feel that metal on my teeth. Sir this is purgatory. Put your things on the belt and follow me. Desert Island Top 5 Dreams. It's too late. It's too hard to shut down. I'm not sure I've got the stomach to wait it out.
2.
Bruised 02:38
Chivalry is dead, romance is next. I've got a brand-new price put on my head. I can waste a day with the best of them. Pull me up a stool and let's begin. Lessons learned from shameless self-abuse. Vices being the only thing left to lose. Here's to our bruised hearts and bad livers, tired lungs and skin that we're so desperate to cover up. Here's to our sharp tongues and long nights, misguided words, reluctant we raise our glasses in the dark. Three cheers for our bruised hearts. The truth is dead, and love is next. I hold it right here in this cigarette. It burns real slow to my fingertips and when I exhale you can read my lips. Finding ways to bury wasted time. The panic will not set in until the end of tonight.
3.
Catch 04:03
Put the bottle down and let's wait it out. There's no point in running if you're not going to take anything. So take this weight and throw it all away. There's nothing left to keep me sinking. We're almost halfway home. I can't keep a straight face in all this scrawled out open space. What the hell is wrong with me? My mouth is too dry to speak and I'm sweating ink again, while no paper angels sing. So take this weight and throw it all away. There's nothing left here for me. So take this weight and throw it all way. There's nothing left to keep me sinking.
4.
You 03:34
My god, it's been so long since I last found redemption in anything I've done. In these last five years I've squandered so much love. I can never get it back. Keep your head held high until you hear me say...It's alright, we'll both be fine. I'm out here on this picket line protesting things that will not ever change. Toast this drink to secrets kept. Give me something to forget where you are and why I’m still here. Why am I still here? Walking these same streets. Screaming the same questions. Receiving the same answers. This will never change. Holding back these tears so no one will ever see that I am just this weak. Believe me when I say. It's alright, we'll both be fine. I'm out here on this picket line protesting things that will never change. A long exhale. I haven't slept. Give me something to forget where you are and why I'm still here. Why am I still here? Sometimes there are no words. A gesture does no justice. Share with me this silence. To know we are this small and carry so much hope. This is exactly what we've been waiting for. It's alright we'll both be fine. I'm out here on this picket line protesting things that will not ever change. I walk this lake and retrace these steps. Give me something to forget where you are and why I'm still here. Why am I still here?
5.
Claire 01:48
The strangers we've become. The lengths that we would go to find our place beneath the snow. The distance takes it toll. The wheels begin to roll along the graves we dug for show. Stitch tight all these wounds and kiss me when I go. I know the poems along the boards. Scars across my back, red beneath the road. I'm outmatched and overrun. Hands against the stone. Buzzing in my bones. I am finally coming home. Everything has changed. Nothing stays the same. Read the lines on my weathered palms.
6.
Beginnings 03:32
As we stand here on the brink, go on and pour yourself a drink. All who came have claimed their place tonight. In the valleys of smoke, where every name is ripe. When the voices grow cold, Ill get lost in echoes. You can cast away the darkness and put your ear against the ground. When the rains come, they'll wash us to the ocean. Skim the surface for skin. Call my name and save me. The river just quit waiting. Wash this away, or burn it down and we'll build it again. Wash this away. Everything is going to be ok. Irish pour me one more as I sit riding shot car, sipping down whiskey and love. Who's words are these? Oh god, please say they're mine. Nothing will change in time. Mark pour me one more as I sit riding shot car, sipping down whiskey and love. Whose words are these? Oh god, please say they're mine. Nothing will change in time. Just pour me one more.
7.
Hooch 04:00
Sorry is just not fixing this one. The paint has been chipped and flaked away. 6 cigarettes and 3 more bottles. I'm already making the same mistakes. This is all I know. This is all we see. It's just how we live. And then we'll just take some time and clear our minds, then it's across the borderline where we'll forget each other’s names. Surrounded by memories. Drowning in distant dreams. Soaking in apathy. Neither one of us could care. My half-mast eyes don't know the difference. The light is brilliant, blinding white. Maybe my life just passed before me. I'm not worried until the end of tonight.
8.
Scissors 01:57
4 A.M. Well, you know I’ll never sleep. Do I dare to dream? The cut is clean. Put the contract by the sink. It is not yet time to leave. Put the embers in the tall grass and place your weight on top of me. I'm spent. Put all my best lies out to pasture. Burn holes in all the leaves. Think fast because it's always fading faster than I'd ever let myself believe. Terrified of the past I left behind. Loose ends I'll never tie. Your face in storefront windows on the street. Who needs a drink? Peel the paint from all the door frames, leave but a little honesty. Blank stare. Tunnel vision in the passing train car. Why am I still standing here? Too stoned. I just blinked and lost entire plot points. Hail Mary another year.
9.
Wand 03:26
Another hour dies under incandescent light. Pull the lids over my eyes. I don't know if I can take it. A purpose undefined. Scratching lines between the lines. Another hour dies. Spin the wheel for retribution. Recurring dream I walk the plank alone. Let's drag the lake and take the bodies home. Those muffled moans. It's so hard to know the side effects of years of little hope, with no room to grow. You just hold too close to the artifacts you'll bury when you go...as your breathing slows. Middle distance my old friend, I long to see you once again. Drinks and dinner, let's make plans. Mission walks that calm me right down. Another hour dies. Turn the lights off and start to cry. Lids over my eyes. I don't know if I can take it.
10.
Sometimes 08:49
The chance has already come. The first one to run has already gave in. The lies are not adding up. It's painfully obvious. Where have the dreams gone? They packed up and left town. Where have the days gone? They slowly repeat. Is it possible to change? Can we ever make this up? There's just way too much half time. This is it. We can't go back. We've already made up our minds. We can't forget or put aside the rest of our past lives. The answers clear and it's right in front of our face. Trying was just too hard. A shaking of hands replaces the disregard. I'm not going to lie. I just want to start clean. Go on and switch up my words, perhaps raise an ego or just vague resentment. Well you know how it goes...Forget the past and just let it go. This is it; we're pressing forth and leaving the wreckage behind. This is the new, this is the gleam of "progressive" thinking. It's about the time love means the most to us. I'm here for you.... will you be here for me? By the fire we'll toast a glass and remember where we came from. Cast aside the memories and take back what's rightfully ours. If there's a voice, then let it out. We don't have much more time. The future is here and it's the last chance that we might have.

about

Recorded in Sept/October of 2019

credits

released October 23, 2020

Anthony: Bass and Vox

Henrik: Guitar

Dino: Drums

All songs written and performed by Cadigan

"Getting Used to Anything" Originally written and performed by The Gibbons off of their album "Hope Inc"

Recorded by Jesse Nichols @ The Atomic Garden West Studio

Mixed by Mat Halliday @ Mat Halliday Audio Production

Mastered by Brad Vance @ Red Mastering

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Cadigan San Francisco, California

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